Notes from the Threshold of Perimenopause & The Female Archetypes
“There are only two people you have to answer to - your 6 year old self and your 80 year old self”
- Viola Davis -
I had planned to post another version of this yesterday, but I have just entered the luteal stage of my cycle and I felt different, so I rewrote it from today me! Ha ha.
Writing is literally saving me right now, but as my mood changed, I start questioning myself and wondered whether it was totally self indulgent to want to write all the time and then share it, but I can’t stop - for now anyway! Last weekend I wrote two poems. One was kinda terrifying. Two different subject matters and two core wounds being healed. Art therapy at its finest. Starting a blog (apart from the goal to send more peeps to my site) is part of this release and also, related to what I do and the people I teach, so I hope it’s of interest to some of you.
Chat GBT really helps me format my words into something more blog like and professional, which is so great for my particular flavour of neurodivergence, that has me going off on huge streams of consciousness that would be pages long. Unless I was in full flow, it would take days to write anything. And right now I’m really enjoying it. Winning. I aways know exactly how and what I want to say, its just helping me say it slightly clearer.
The Shadow Drop Before My Period
I’d never had PMDD or anything like that before. But now, about a week before my period, I’m experiencing a very real drop. It’s negative self-talk, unwanted thoughts, and a wave of consciousness like something trying to convince me I’m not who I am. Like something trying to take me off path. Which is a new thing because I cured myself of that voice years ago when I started journaling after doing an in-person course on The Artist’s Way (which I recommend to literally everyone). It really quietened the self criticism and untangled the negative thought loops.
The saving grace is that this month I have named it, spoken about it and now I am writing about it. Knowledge is power and I am now seeing it as quite a magic portal. We can always flip it and reverse it. Alchemy, baby.
Hormones, Life or Both?
My doctor, so far, has been helpful and holistic and I am doing blood tests next week to look at hormone levels and other things to decide if HRT is right. Sometimes it’s hard to know what's hormones or just life as mine isn’t that easy and I’m so used to living in survival mode.
I’m noticing I’m A LOT sweatier in class! I never sweated before at all. But that could also be down to the fact I have really upped the cardio and gone BIG on the weights (big for barre, that is). Or the heatwave! But no, I know, it’s more.
I definitely thought I’d be more sorted entering this stage.
But actually I’m entering a whole new kind of initiation.
Maiden, Mother, Crone and The Archetypes We Don’t Always Talk About - Which One Are You?
I’ve been a mother for 19 years.
But the truth is, I entered motherhood whilst still deeply in maidenhood, not just in age but energetically and emotionally. And I stayed there a long time. The ‘mother’ archetype isn’t only about having children, either, but nurturing and creating and holding others, which can take countless forms.
I’ve done a lot of work on my inner teenage self (Lord bless me!). The wild, wild West. Icky AF and mine was particularly feral, fucking up ALL the time. Those old perceptions and the way we view ourselves back then, they can be so hard to shift, so they loop and repeat until we finally stop and deal with them.
But hang on, I’ve just dealt with them and now I’m meant to be a crone?
Don’t get me wrong, my visions of myself in proper cronehood are almost mythical, although I’m really pissed off I didn’t inherit my mothers wild, Irish beauty hair. But culturally, we go from maiden to mother to crone with very little space in between.
I’m trying to learn more about Celtic folklore, so I can work with the knowledge of my own ancestors and I came across Dr Sharon Blackie, a Celtic Mythologist and Psychologist. She works with land-based wisdom, myth and reclaiming older feminine narratives. She says the life stages are non linear and that midlife is not a decline, but a threshold to deeper power. She talks of other archetypes such as;
The Enchantress, The Queen, The Weaver, Wild Woman, The Seer , The Death Walker and The Hag (reclaiming the name though!).
The Enchantress
Midlife magic, transformation, sensuality.
She walks the edge between worlds, channeling story, art, and intuition. Think shapeshifters, witches, or seductresses of old, but wise and purposeful.
The Queen / Sovereign
Inner authority, clear-sighted leadership.
She rules herself first. Rooted, strategic, unshakable in her values. She holds both power and responsibility. Queen of Swords.
The Weaver / Spider Woman
The pattern-maker, myth-spinner, world-builder.
She weaves meaning from chaos and connects the threads of life. Deeply creative and visionary.
The Wild Woman
Instinctive, untamed, deeply rooted in nature.
She rejects control and returns to the body, the land, and primal knowing. Think forest witches and selkies. She cannot be owned.
The Seer / Oracle / Wise Woman
Clairvoyant, intuitive, archetypal Crone in waiting.
She sees the unseen, speaks truth, and holds silence when needed. Often misunderstood, but fiercely clear.
The Death-Walker / Threshold Guardian
Guide through endings, transitions, and grief.
She holds space for loss, death, and rebirth. Not just literal, but psychological.
The Hag (name reclaimed!)
Raw, ancient power. Beyond beauty, beyond care.
She is the truth-teller, the land-keeper, the world-ender and world-beginner. She can appear in a mid-life crisis, often before your reach the crone’s wisdom and full power.
Crown Incoming!
It’s so much fun studying archetypes. They invite us to reflect where we are in life, a bit like tarot can. It becomes self enquiry through symbol and story.
I haven’t had my roots and hair lightening done in 3 months - money’s been tight and life’s been busy! But whilst I’m def not quite ready to go fully grey yet, I do love seeing the silvery strands come in.
I heard someone say recently (ahem TikTok!), “That’s your crown coming in.”
And I loved that.
The Initial Denial When it Hit
The thing is still feel so young- in every way - and right now I am obviously very very grateful for that. My body is stronger than it has ever been in its life and I cannot imagine how I would feel if I didn’t have my techniques.
The strength training we do in Disco Barre (not forgetting the recent ‘scientific’ study that proved house music keeps you young!) and the connection to your inner spirit and femaleness in The Barre Lineage are life savers throughout this time.
My mind and my weirdness, which I’m unmasking more of, still feel twenty something in spirit. I know we all feel this, but I have also heard this is AuDHD coded too. Eternal inner child vibes.
But I’m not mourning youth. Fuck that.
I’ve finally arrived.
The Vitamins, the Diet.
Right now, I take:
Cod liver oil - skin, joints, brain and mood support.
Creatine - not just for gym freaks. Helps with strength, energy and brain fog.
NMN - cellular repair, energy, longevity. Biohacking, basically!CoQ10 - energy and heart health and mood.
Lion’s Mane - brain, nervous system, ADHD symptoms.
Magnesium - sleep, hormones, stress - EVERYTHING!
If there’s anything else you swear by, Please send me your tips.
I’m also realising I need to start paying attention to food. I’ve never really done that in any kind of calculated way, so I’ve got to start eating hormonally.
More protein? More healthy fats? Bone broth? Again, any tips!
New Aunty at 47
I became a new aunty at 47 and the timing couldn’t be more magical. I am so proud of my sister for being such a natural and beautiful mother.
This little bundle of angelic perfection arriving now, just as I’m shedding one identity and opening up to another, feels like such a gift.
I always say to my daughter that I love her more and more as her amazing personality develops (she’s always been pretty epic), but holding this baby now brings such a nostalgia for her little years. Tinged with inevitable regrets that I didn’t know what I know now. Life’s cruel joke.
There’s such tenderness to all of it.
It’s definitely not the end.
It’s a crossing.